I’ve been a bit quiet on the ol’ blog front of late. I’d love to tell you its because I’ve been snowed under with social arrangements but that would be a lie! I’ve actually got a few
excuses reasons. The main one being that I’m struggling a bit with my mental health at the minute. The second being that I’ve had a lot swimming around in my head that I haven’t had a spare thought to actually plan and write a blog post (a result of the first I guess)!
For some reason my anxiety is high at the moment. I can’t actually pinpoint a reason why and trying to guess is only adding to my anxiety! I thought it may have been due to extra pressures what with being back at work, but I’m fine whilst at work. Then I thought it could have been due to James being away a lot, but its continued now he’s home (although it has lessened!). So I assumed it must be the time of year and all the germs going round as I have always suffered with emetophobia.
But after speaking to a doctor I’m now thinking that perhaps I just place these excuses in my own head. Like even with suffering with emetophobia I have never actually feared germs or bugs, just the act of actually being sick. So by trying to guess the cause of my anxiety I have actually made it worse? (I’m not sure that even makes sense!)
Whilst on the doctor topic can we please just take a moment to talk about how even in 2017 they still do not really know how to deal with mental health issues. After leaving the doctors I felt a bit stupid. Like my problems were really small and not even worth an appointment! They may sound silly but right now they are affecting my life. Ok so they may not seem to be affecting my life from the outside but I have a mental battle with myself every single day!
The doctor asked me if I was happy and without a second thought I answered “yes”! Of course I’m happy. I have two beautifully happy and healthy girls, a partner who works hard to provide for us and an amazingly supportive family. But the more I think about it the more I realise although I am happy, at this moment in time my brain is not!
But I am in control of my brain. Ok sometimes it may not feel like it but only I can control the thoughts I allow into my brain! I want to understand my mental health better. I want to learn about the things that trigger my anxiety, the things that help my anxiety and I want to understand my body better!
But most of all I want to be fully happy again. I want to feel my shoulders drop as I relax and I so want to enjoy all the wonderful feelings those two little girls bring!