The evening before Little’s birthday I struggled to keep my emotions at bay. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so emotional. I never felt like this at one or two. What was the importance of three? Why was three such a hard number for me to deal with?
But I don’t think it was the number itself that was the problem. It was the time I can’t remember. Or chose not to remember!
Little’s first year was tough for me! I really struggled. It’s not that I didn’t love her because believe me I did. I just didn’t feel enough.
If only I knew the importance of recognising PND.
Living under a dark cloud will take its toll on anyone, without the added stress of caring for a new baby. There was so much about my life that had changed so of course it was going to be tough. Lack of sleep would make anyone feel down right?
Yeah that’s what I kept telling myself.
Recognising PND (postnatal depression) is hard because all the symptoms sound like all the things you read about in pregnancy. Trouble sleeping at night? A given. Feeling sleepy during the day? Obviously. Feelings of guilt? Isn’t that part of the job? No longer enjoying things that you used to? As if I have the time for that!
Whilst these may seem normal if they last longer than 2 weeks or start later please see your GP.
Don’t make the same mistakes I did.
I lost out on so much with Little. I will never get that time back! That breaks my heart.
I don’t remember when she first sat up or crawled.
Now watching her being a part of Baby growing and learning makes me grieve for the time I missed.
I love that I am in a better place this time but it hurts that I wasn’t fully there for Little. That I couldn’t give her my absolute all.
Little just know that you have always been enough, are loved beyond measure and I will forever owe you for saving me.
I just wish it didn’t take me so long to get there!